


A Scammer's Magical Vacation

by tenebris_ash



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, 백작가의 망나니가 되었다 - 유려한 | Trash of the Count's Family - Yulyeohan
Genre: Adorable, BAMF Harry Potter, CALE HENITUSE NEEDS A VACATION DAMMIT!, Comedy, Don't Try This At Home, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gen, God of death will die one day, Mild Swearing, NO GOD OF DEATH, NOT LIKE THAT!!, Or a suitable weapon to torture the god of death, cale is so done with life, scammer harry potter, somebody give cale a break, yandere clopeh sekka (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:54:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29657160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenebris_ash/pseuds/tenebris_ash
Summary: When Cale went to sleep, he had never expected this to happen.A transmigration. A 'vacation'. A cackling annoyance inside his head.Well, at least he got new victims to torture and scamDamn the God of Death to eternity ^_^_____The tcf hp crossover I had been waiting for, but never got to readso i decided to copy thanos and be like 'fine, I'll do it myself'
Relationships: Draco Malfoy & Harry Potter, Harry Potter & Everyone, Harry Potter & Severus Snape, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, Lemon drops and Cale Henituse| Kim Rok Soo| Harry Potter
Comments: 46
Kudos: 184





	1. What Vacation? SEND. ME. BACK!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sweet_but_Salty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweet_but_Salty/gifts).



> HELLO!!! I AM NOT DEAD!!!! I WAS JUST BUSY WORKING ON THIS NICE LITTLE SURPRISE FOR Y'ALL!!!!
> 
> This is my first long work of fiction that's not a series of badly written, unbetaed one shots, so please take care of me.
> 
> **Readers don't need to have proper knowledge of Trash of the Count's Family or Harry Potter to enjoy(?) this fic. However, beware, you'll get some (maybe out of context?) Spoilers here and there.**
> 
> I think all the love in this world falls short of how much love my beta, lemon (Sweet_but_salty on ao3) deserves. Y'all ABSOLUTELY gotta read her fics! You'll get abs from laughing!
> 
> I won't waste more of your time in my author's note. Happy reading!

The white star was no longer alive. The world was at peace. There was no need for any wars or fights, and a certain red Haired slacker was having the time of his life.

However, there was one god, standing above humanity, who was not really having a good time. Why? Well, he was  _ bored _ . Cale Henituse had been the biggest source for his amusement in millenia. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd had so much fun. Honestly, being a god was a  _ really _ dull experience. 

Ever since Cale Barrow's soul had been destroyed and Cale Henituse had bidden him farewell with a middle finger and a few choice insults, he had lost his source of amusement. All he got was some worshippers praying to him, some poor commoner falling in the trap of a death vow and a few hundred people conducting rituals of questionable origins to summon and enslave him. Hah! As if! 

He'd promptly taken their souls as offerings by using a loophole in the evil ritual. Honestly, when will these people learn their lesson? Don't they know better than to touch a suspicious ritual? How stupid!

He peeked at a certain human again, since he had nothing better to do, and sighed for the seventy eighth time in a row. He wasn't one to limit himself to the human concept of time, but he could  _ swear  _ that the slacker hadn't so much as  _ moved _ a little from his position at his comfortable couch in  _ hours. _

_ 'Just why are these humans so boring?!' _

But his frustrated thoughts couldn't reach his favourite human. 

"What's so great about a vacation, huh?"

He would've given up and gone to torture a few evil souls, if he hadn't been hit with a  _ brilliant _ idea instead.

"A vacation it is." His eyes glowed with mischief as he mentally prepared a few things.

"It will be  _ very  _ fun."

* * *

"Huumannnn I want more chocolate shake!" A baby dragon urged his guardian to pour the delicious brown liquid into his customised dragon mug.

"This is  _ better _ than apple pies!" a red cat exclaimed.

Raon frowned a bit. Apple pies were still the best. Even Uncle Cookie's desserts couldn't surpass apple pies. He made sure to voice his opinion to the company.

"But this is so tasty!" 

Hong cried in disagreement. However, Raon remained adamant. "Chocolate shake is bitter!"

"It is not! Apple pies are sour!"

"They are  _ not. _ "

On sighed in exasperation. "Children children. Why are you fighting over such a small thing?" She intervened, only to be hit with the full brunt of twin glares of two squabbling children.

"It's  _ important _ !" They cried together, as if practiced.

On ignored them and turned to Cale. "Since they are both busy arguing, you can give me the remaining chocolate shake," she offered her customised silver kitten mug that had her name engraved on it.

Cale shook his head in amusement and distributed the remaining shake among the three children.

"An apple pie is a pie, while chocolate shake is a drink. How can there be a comparison?" He consoled the pouting duo.

The children's eyes lit up, as they agreed with Cale.

"That's right! Both are good! You are so smart, human!" The baby dragon gulped his sweetened drink happily, ignorant of the brownish white moustache that had now formed on his face due to the chocolate shake. Cale chuckled and wiped the faces of the three children, before putting them to sleep.

'Ah what a peaceful life.' 

He had never felt so content in his life. He didn't need to work anymore and the villa inside the forest of darkness had become his permanent abode. He could eat, drink and slack off as much as he wanted. They had also started a small farm in the backyard where they grew fresh vegetables and fruits. Choi Han sometimes borrowed it to bury dead bodies of their enemies who liked to send assassins or attack them unprovoked  ( ~~so vicious~~ ), and he didn't particularly want the children to witness that, but well……at least they got free fertilizer.

~~ Yes, he'd rather not think about that.  ~~

Going to towns had become a hassle, since malicious people had spread rumours that he was a great hero and a messenger of gods, but he could live without roaming around the streets anyway.

In short, life was nice. And he intended to keep it that way.

* * *

Cale opened his eyes to absolute darkness. His first reaction was "Has that mad dog Clopeh Sekka kidnapped me again?" After all, it wasn't that far from the realm of possibilities.

Apparently, Clopeh had once kidnapped him and put him inside a dark, but comfortable carriage because he wanted to give him a "surprise". Cale couldn't understand why the crazy guardian knight couldn't just contact him like a normal human until he realised that Clopeh's mental status couldn't exactly be described as 'sane'.

Of course, the Guardian knight of the Paerun kingdom was caught before they even left the Henituse territory and after being soundly beaten up, he'd replied "I just wanted to surprise my god. Why are gods so difficult to please?" with a devastated expression that had, for some reason, brought sympathetic tears to Hilsman's eyes.

Cale would've kicked Clopeh, but he didn't want his crazy cooties on himself.

That being said, the carriage this time wasn't really comfortable, quite the contrary, in fact. He also felt itchy…….w- _ was that a spider crawling on him?! _

That's it! He was going to burn down the carriage. And he was going to make sure to burn Clopeh  _ with it _ !

He tried sitting up, only to be bonked by a low ceiling. Really,  _ where was he this time? _ Did the crazy guardian finally snap and let out his yandere side? 

Well, a good yandere is a dead yandere, Cale just had to make sure that Clopeh Sekka was dead for once and for all.

Making a resolve in his mind, he summoned a small fireball by using his ancient powers. The scene that greeted his eyes made him wonder if he was dreaming. 

He was sitting inside a cramped and dusty room that looked like a broom cupboard. The size of the room was too small to house an adult like him, but considering the fact that he was less than four feet tall now, it wasn't such a big problem.

Ah yes, he should probably start cursing the God of Death now.

Why? Well, he had transmigrated.  _ Again. _

Apparently, he was a seven year old boy named Harry now. He didn't have parents and was 'kindly' taken in by his 'hospitable' and 'nice' relatives. Those  _ 'kind' _ relatives locked him inside a broom cupboard that they called a 'room', fed him leftover scraps of food, made him do most of the housework, and just generally neglected and abused him in every way they possibly could without alarming their neighbours.

This particular scenario reminded him of a certain famous book series, but he tried not to think about  _ that  _ particular option.

"Boy! Get up! It's time for school. Don't make me repeat myself." The door of the cupboard was unlocked, and Cale got the full view of a thin, horse-faced woman, first thing in the morning.

"Yes Aunt Petunia!", He exclaimed involuntarily. Meanwhile, the foreboding feeling within his heart grew into impossible levels. He couldn't be so unlucky that he would transmigrate into books he'd read in the past, not once, but  _ twice.  _ Right?

It seemed like Cale had decided to live in denial.

He moved on autopilot, without really giving any proper thought to what he was doing. It was sad that this body, that was barely seven years old, was so accustomed to household work that he didn't even need to put a lot of thought into it.

Meanwhile his brain ran faster than it ever had, trying to take stock of his situation and determine a valid course of action. Fortunately, or unfortunately, he was an expert when it came to transmigrating into different bodies and finding himself in unknown circumstances. This was nothing new to him.

He determined that his situation was not too good, since he wasn't even a teenager, much less an adult. Being transmigrated into the body of an abused child was the worst. And look at him, he had to do menial work now! He cursed the God of Death for the tenth time that day. For now, the most he could do was to scare these people into treating him properly. That wasn't really a difficult task, since he had his ancient powers with him.

His next task was to find out more about his surroundings. This child he had transmigrated into was too unobservant. The next course of action would be to find the God of Death ~~and~~ ~~kill him if possible~~ - ahem-  _ force him to send him back to his previous world. _

Feeling a bit calm, he entered the bathroom to wash himself and get ready for 'school'. Since he couldn't really stall it anymore, he decided to see his face in the mirror and ensure that  _ that thing _ that would prove that he had transmigrated into  _ yet another _ book, wasn't on his face. He took a deep breath and forced himself to face the mirror—

—and nearly screamed at his reflection. Right there, taking up half his forehead, was a  _ big ass scar in the shape of a lightning bolt!  _

Seething in absolute fury, the only thing in his mind was—

" _ It didn't look like this in the movies! _ "

Followed by—

" _ God of Death you shithead _ !"

"Will it pain you to call me a bit more politely?" 

Oh he knew that annoying voice! He turned to find the God of Death sitting casually on the folded toilet seat. Gross.

"Why, yes. You're absolutely right. But  _ you  _ tell me, will it pain you to let me live my life peacefully?" Cale asked, grinding his teeth in fury.

"Yes, of course, absolute boredom is a pain, after all!" Came the cheerful reply.

Both of them smiled at each other, however, Cale's smile had that distinct edge to it that was unique to psychopaths planning gruesome murders.

"Let's be frank here,  _ why exactly did you bring me here? _ " Cale asked, trying to control his urge to punch the living daylights off the annoying god.

"What do you mean?" The God of Death asked with faux innocence, "It's for a vacation, of course!"

Cale didn't know what happened next. All he knew was that his vision had turned red with anger and he had tried to flood the bathroom, discretion be damned.


	2. Omnious Toilet Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A destroyed bathroom.
> 
> A shameless god.
> 
> A frustrated Cale.
> 
> Rest in pieces, dear Dursleys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HO HO HO
> 
> So how are you, kids? Santa!Phy has returned with another chapter to pick your brain! Many questions will be answered here, so hold tight, it's gonna be one hell of a ride!
> 
> (Betaed by lemon (sweet_but_salty)❤️)

"So…...what you're saying is…...that you were…... _ bored,  _ so you decided to send me into  _ the Harry Potter books  _ as a 'vacation'?!" Cale asked, unable to believe his ears.

"......yes? Isn't it fun though?" The God of Death replied 'innocently'. 

Cale wanted to shake the irritating God and bash his head on the bathroom walls, but alas, he was too small and weak for that. 

"Forget about transmigration. Can't you at least make me a rich and useless supporting character? Wasn't this supposed to be a vacation?"

"But what's the fun in that?!" The 'god' actually had the galls to pout in front of an annoyed seven year old.

"......forget it." The unfortunate boy with a scar said with dead eyes, as if he had given up on the world. "How do I return home?"

"Oh that! It's really simple! You have to become the Master of Death! Collect the three deathly hallows, spend a few years here and we'll be good to go!"

"Spend...a…few years? ARE YOU MAD? THE PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE WILL DESTROY THE WORLD WITHIN THE FIRST 2 HOURS OF MY ABSENCE!"

"Don't worry, you'll find that no time would've passed when you return. They'll never find that you were gone in the first place! Isn't it great!" The literal god preened like a peacock, as if asking for praise. 

"...so I just have to find the deathly hallows?" It would be suspiciously easy…… especially when he had read the books and movies. Even though he had come across Harry Potter in his own childhood when he didn't yet have his ability to record, his memory was still good enough to remember the exact location of the deathly hallows. However—

' _ Will I be able to control him if I become the master of death?'  _ Cale's eyes gained an unholy glint as he imagined the various ways he could boss over the annoying god if he really gained that authority.

"Haha," The God of Death rolled his eyes."I know what you're thinking. Stop reading so many Master Of Death!Harry fanfictions. Your dreams will never come true."

The black haired boy blinked his eyes innocently, acting as if he hadn't just thought the various ways to humiliate the god. 

Finding the Deathly Hallows? Hmm, he'd probably have to duel Dumbledore and kill that chunni snake—

"Don't think that you'll find everything easily. The story changed as soon as you entered this world. But don't worry, you'll get plenty of time to find them, since you can't return till at least 18 years have passed….…"

"...why?" 

There was a storm brewing within the eyes of the 'child'. There was also thunder, aimed at a certain god who was twiddling his thumb like a child who was caught making mischief.

"......there was some temporal displacement while I was bringing you to this world…...and I accidentally turned back time in your world……so…...if you return before 18 years have passed by, then you'll inevitably change the path the world is supposed to follow. Your past and present will change till you wouldn't be able to recognise it as yours." Ah, the God of Death hadn't felt guilty in a  _ long _ time. How could this human make him feel something he hadn't felt for a millenia? 

"Is there anything else you forgot to mention?" Cale asked in a deceptively calm voice. He should've known that nothing ever worked right when it came to the God of Death.

"I…...have to check…..." the shameful god wrung his hands before shrugging his shoulders in a 'what can you do?' expression. "What's done is done. For now, you just have to enjoy this vacation. Didn't you want a life where you didn't have the burden of being called "Silver Shield Hero"? Well! You got that wish! Enjoy this time!" He said faux-cheerfully.

"Haha. How? Is there a difference between being called 'Silver Shield Hero' or 'The Chosen One? Did you forget which story you brought us into? Huh? ARE YOU THE GOD OF MISTAKES OR SOMETHING?" Cale tried to control his twitching fingers which wanted to strangle the god standing in front of him. But he knew that strangling would lead him nowhere. Nothing less than a full blown torture session a la Beacrox would bring him a bit of satisfaction.

The God of Death, curse his immortal soul, only shrank his body in shame, literally. By the time Cale had exhausted his energy by raging at him, he had turned smaller than Cale's pinkey. 

"I-I have to go take care of…...  _ stuff _ …… I'll get back to you when you're calmer, alright! Just think 'O the great and handsome God of Death, the best immortal in this whole universe, I wish to speak to you, kindly give me some of your time' in your mind and I'll come talk with you! Sayonara take care muah~~" And with this, the 'great and dignified' god ran away after learning several new creative ways to insult gods. (He was definitely going to try these on the other gods after changing some nouns).

Left alone with more than a bellyful of rage and anger potent enough to give him a brain haemorrhage, Cale Henituse turned his ire towards the 'perfectly normal' pieces of child abusing shits. 

"BOY! HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO WASTE WATER? COME OUT NOW OR YOU WON'T GET BREAKFAST FOR TODAY!"

It seemed like the Dursleys were all too ready to take up their new roles as his punching bag.

Cale smiled his best villainous smile. He wasn't in a great mood today, so these people didn't have any right to remain happy either. After adding another reason to torture and kill the GoD in his mental list, he cheerfully opened the door to the bathroom.

Petunia, 'blessed' with excellent spying skills honed by  _ years _ of peeking at her neighbours, immediately noticed the way the bathroom had been thrashed to destruction. 

"Y-you! YOU DESTROYED MY BATHROOM!" She wailed, wishing for the fury of heavens to rain down on the seven year old devil spawn.

'Harry', for Cale's name was Harry Potter now, looked back into the bathroom with wide eyes filled with amusement and the dark desire to experience schadenfreude, and gleefully exclaimed-

"Oops! My bad! In my defense…... the taps and tiles annoyed the hell out of me! Doesn't everything look so…... _ unique _ now?" He grinned, letting out a sliver of his ancient powers to swirl the toilet water…… _ right _ in front of Petunia's face.

Vernon, who had come to see what the fuss was about, witnessed the  _ freak _ doing  _ freakish _ things with the  _ freaky _ water and  _ freaked out in fury. _

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING BOY!!!" He bellowed, his face turning from red to green to purple to red again. 

'Harry's' grin widened in answer. This was the most fun he'd had ever since he defeated the White Star.

"Nothing…...just…...renovating the house, I guess?" He answered with a mock thoughtful expression on his face. 

Vernon made dying walrus noises, which were, well,  _ so damn accurate _ .

"You know what? If you're ever kicked out of Grunnings for being too annoying, you could start working in a zoo as a walrus. You'd make a  _ killing _ ." 

Petunia was near apoplectic. "HOW DARE YOU! WE TOOK YOU IN, FED YOU AND DRESSED YOU OUT OF KINDNESS—" 

"Yeah yeah. I'm sure the people from child services would applaud you. _Especially_ after looking at my _giant_ _room_ and _luxurious clothes_." He looked pointedly at the pitiful broom cupboard that unwillingly cosplayed as his bedroom. 

'Harry' looked around and wrinkled his nose. After living in a luxurious and _uniquely_ _decorated_ villa, courtesy of his children, he found this 'normal' house to be rather…... _lacklustre._

This house was in a desperate need of some makeover. 'Harry' gestured with his hands, and vines started growing out of the wooden doors, curling around in intricate patterns. He wasn't an interior designer, but the house looked much more beautiful compared to before. He mentally patted himself in the back, sighing happily over a job well done. This was the most work he'd done in  _ months _ . Oh, the God of Death  _ must be so happy _ now. He curled his lips maliciously as he thought of the idiot who led him to this mess.

Mr and Mrs Dursley had long lost their ability to form coherent words, and were now clutching each other, making tortured walrus and horse noises respectively. Even though their voices had long become background noise to 'Harry', he was rather fond of the peace that came with silence.

"Stop imitating a walrus, or I might just  _ accidentally _ turn you into one." He commented offhandedly, succeeding in muting the couple on his first try. 

The twin looks of  _ abject _ horror that he was subjected to…...could probably be counted as an achievement……

"Look at me," He called to the Dursley couple who were half-sitting, half-splayed over the floor. The floor that  _ he had just cleaned this morning _ , Harry remembered with some grief. He lamented over the fact that his seven year old body wasn't tall enough so that he could kneel and look down into their terror stricken eyes. That would've been  _ so _ dramatic!

"Now let's have a little chat, shall we?"

'Harry' enjoyed the growing dread in the Dursley's eyes, and found himself looking forward to abusing them a bit more. 

This was going to be fun.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this answers some of your queries. To those who wanted Cale to flush the God Of Death down the toilet(yes I'm talking abt you, lemon), please wait, the amount of chapters you wait for is directly proportional to the satisfaction you will get from GoD's sopping wet, toilet water shower. Teehee.
> 
> Please gimme some love in the form of kudos and comments, I LOVE getting comments! You can find me on Tumblr as o0phylyra0o (I post incorrect tcf quotes and meme redraws) and as crack_g0ddess on instagram (Where I post tcf memes)
> 
> That's enough self promotion. See you after 10 days! Teehee!

**Author's Note:**

> Please do comment. It's an ongoing work and really, your feedbacks give me power!
> 
> The updating schedule (as of now) is once every ten days (I'M SHOWWY TAT I HAVE A WOT OF ASSHIGNMWENTS QWQ) I Will try to update faster.....eventually..... TvT
> 
> Kudos are always appreciated. Thanks for reading! Muah~~


End file.
